1. One or two days without sex and it feels like I start the mission of getting laid. At what point would you consider it an addiction?
Well, my views on “sex addiction” aren’t popular among therapists and specialists so keep that in mind. I think that the use of the word addiction is too frequently attached to many behaviors these days. Then again, I personally view sex as one of the greatest things in the world and don’t see the problem with doing the greatest thing in the world as often as humanly possible! That said, I would say that as soon as one’s life becomes unmanageable, as a result of his or her behavior, that’s when a concern is appropriate. What’s unmanageable? In my mind it would be indulging in any behavior to the point where:
1. It affects the workplace and ultimately the successes and failures of you or your co-workers
2. Causes you to lie, cheat or hurt others emotionally, spiritually & physically
3. Keeps you away from the things in life you enjoy and wish you were doing
4. Puts your health or the health of others at risk
5. You know there are potential consequences as a result of your behavior yet you indulge anyway
6. Your self-esteem is dependent upon the acquisition of a desired sexual act
These are broad strokes but hopefully you get the idea. Psych Central describes sex addiction as the following: “Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts.” If this is accurate then sign me up… Along with just about everyone I know. I kind of like my outline better. Are my guidelines simply a method that allows me to continue my behavior, provided I stay within the parameters? Perhaps. Is there somewhat of a moral code that works for me hidden within my views? For sure. Then again, I see nothing wrong with sexual experimentation, masturbation, pornography, BDSM, fetishes, one night stands and the like. I don’t believe we were given the tools and urges we were given only to deny them. Maybe I am merely justifying my own promiscuity, but you know what? That works just fine for me. As long as I don’t injure others or negatively effect the lives of those around me I am totally within the range of my own personal moral compass. I’m not saying I do this perfectly, I don’t think anyone can do anything perfectly. Thankfully, the “I’m only human” card can be presented at any time. (I keep a stack of them on me on a consistent basis.)
Looking at the phrase, “compulsive sexual thoughts and acts” I have to wonder what they mean, exactly. What’s a sexual thought anyway? People make all kinds of decisions based on sex/or attracting a sexual partner. Is that compulsive? If a woman buys a dress because she looks pretty in it, or a guy goes to the gym to lose weight in order to hopefully attract the right partner, is that compulsive? I mean, ultimately it breaks down to wanting to feel good about one’s self and feeling confident, right? And aren’t those qualities that make people attractive to one another? And when they are attractive to one another don’t they get physical in many cases? Compulsive and sexual thoughts. Most people I know break down everyone they meet and put them into one of two categories: 1. I would. 2. I wouldn’t. I don’t know if that is compulsive or human or just a by-product of living in sin but I know that I tend to do that as well. Maybe I am wrong and I am going to hell one day. At least I’ll be there with other like-minded women and the whole issue will be a non starter. Sounds better to me that sprouting wings and playing the harp while listening to a non stop choir as I prance from cloud to cloud. THAT sounds like hell! So it’ll be a little warm. We will all be naked anyway.
I suppose at the end of the day, what works for some may not work for others. Bear in mind, I am just discussing the concept of straight sex and sex addiction. Obviously my views shift dramatically in terms of relationships. If you are asking me, which the reader did in this case, I say have at it. Just watch out for the potential downward spiral. Be honest, up front and clear about your lifestyle choices. Try not to mislead anyone for your own selfish desires. If you are going to be a sex addict, then learn how to be what I call, a functioning sex addict. Personally, I haven’t quite mastered this but I do believe there is an attainable peace within reach… Much like what the Buddhists call consciousness. They meditate everyday to achieve their goals. Looks like I’ll have to practice my principles everyday to achieve mine.
{ 13 comments }
I actually really liked the way you put it, I believe all things would be so different if we lived this way, do it, but do it safely and sanely, and do not bring harm to others. Well said Dave I will be sharing your words with my stepteens
Thanks
Ah. A blog on 6767 is like waking into your favorite bar and seeing old friends
Plus I totally agree with your assessment of “sex addiction”. Though I would add if it also interferes with ones ability to emotionally connect with others
Luved the way u said it. If only everyone thought that way
things would be so much better.
Holy Shit Dave that was the best damn answer I have ever recieved on this topic! Thank you for the “tell it like it is” honesty. I have to say it was music to my ears, knowing there are people out there who think like me! Its too bad that more people dont think this way the world would be a happier place! After an exciting nite of sex the next day you wake up and that feeling of contentment and so very happy singing and such. Am I right?
Hey Dave, I like your take on this subject and feel it pretty much sums it up. I guess I am like you and most guys, sex addicts, if you think about it pretty much all the time. It doesn’t interfere or hurt anyone so I’m OK with it and enjoy it as often as possible.
HF well said! but would a non SA be addicted to sex eventually by just having a SA partner?
So fucking cool that you’re blogging regularly again. Thank you.
Wise man! Agree with your insight.
This is also what I believe, but I feel that sometimes setting the parameters straight is one step, but it is hard to see that you are going to hurt someone if they lie based on the fact that they are wanting social intimacy or someone to be close to by engaging in the act of sex and are unaware of the consequences. I’ve been on both sides of this story. I am actually now in love with and married to someone with whom I at first only wanted a physical relationship with and straight out told him this (he was e one who was hoping for more and the purity in his heart made me feel love for him (he’s hot too and I found out we have a lot in common afterwards)). The hope of what happened in my story is in many people. The hope is that a friends with benefits relationship will turn into something more. I’ve also been hurt very badly when I engaged in a sexual relationship hoping that he would love me one day if I stayed long enough. The result was that I just ended up hurting myself, but my heart was so pure at the time that I couldn’t see that he would just leave me hurt. I thought that by showing him love I could change him, help him. I cried every day for over a year and even got hooked on drugs and because that was the only way I could spend time with him to try and make him see the light.The drugs clouded my mind and I started doing really sketch things to my family and friends and lost a lot of my peer support and became isolated and alone. I just ended up in the dark. This is why I stay away from drugs and people that do them today so in a way this helped me, but does everyone have to learn the way I did? This happened for a couple more years with different guys as well. So what I’m saying is really be careful and read the people you are with sexually because there is a lot of grey area when it comes to what they want for themselves and what they want for you. There are always people with the want and the ability to love beyond a physical relationship and we need to help perserve their innocence I think. And to all of those with the will and ability to love please try and understand that some people are not ready and won’t change especially if you have engaged in sex with them. If the condition to stay with them is a sexual realationship then they will never love you and will only use you for that purpose. I still feel like it’s the more experienced person’s responsibility to evaluate the situation.
Hey Dave… I am a female sex addict who has been one for the better part of my life (20 years ish) Only realized I had a problem after the ex left me and I went on a crazy binge… 15 in 4 months… I felt like shit after each one. Especially if they sucked in bed… i.e. ‘bad high’. It has been 3 years and I have slowed down… mainly because I don’t want to get the bad high, so I am more selective with who I pick. So I feel like have have learned to manage my addiction. Now I am on a quest to find the perfect guy who can keep up with me…. and that takes time… lol Sex is part of human nature…just like food… you can’t just give it up.
This is some sound advice! Waaaaaay better than the whole “If she turns into a Playstatio or a pizza” type answers. Hahahaha!! Seriously tho, well put. It would be so much easier if everyone involved in the situation were completely honest. Unfortunately though, some people are so desperate for that whole “soulmate” crap that they’ll say/ agree to anything just for a chance. Waste of time!!!
Great comments everyone! I agree with you Robin, great insight. And special thanks to Adri for sharing your personal story:) I agree with you on protecting the ‘innocent at heart’ and acting responsible if you are the more ‘experienced’ person but since I like to play devil’s advocate, I would say there might be some worthwhile lessons for the ‘innocent’ in having their heart broken. Ehh tomato tomatoe…..
When I first read this article I was deeply bothered by it, and not in a girly-oh they’re all players sort of way but just really irked by it. I know enough psychologically that if something really bothers you there is a deeper ‘inner’ reason or connection for it. Then I read Robin’s bit and realized that was the missing key. See where I completely abstain from sex, I avoid emotional connection. I’m on one side of the spectrum, where someone who is on the other side of the spectrum, they indulge (over) and also avoid emotionally connecting to a person. The end result is the same, ironically. It’s important to remember that although no one is getting hurt or mislead, you might actually be hurting ‘yourself’ by not allowing yourself to be emotionally connected to anyone for fear of getting rejected, abandoned, or betrayed.
your iLike link isn’t working…
That was a perfect response … coming from a guy who has many opportunities to sleep with willing partners for a one night stand or “fun” with no commitment, or whatever. The thing I see here is this … The partners that you attract have such little self worth, it’s just a reciprocal sex addict and your both doing the validation dance … and as a sex lover … I will refrain from the term “addict” .. that is a win win.
But I can promise you that 99% of the women you come in contact with, have deep seeded core beliefs about themselves that make it a temporary “win” for them. So,if your picker chooses them. … as yes, I said PICKER, not pecker…
Then, it’s all about validation that they must be enough.
…. and yes, most men and women are not in the royal echelon of rock star status to be able to justify why the hell they need multiple partners.
… and then there are the ones who actually believe they are some form of Rock God or Goddess and know intrinsically that they will never be at that level and hate themselves for it, cue, more shame… more anger, and more sexual conquests, which only exasterbates ( … er…not masturbates) the challenge of understanding intimacy. ( …. that was a mouthful … pun intended)
INTIMACY = In to me see
Get it?
Intimacy doesn’t mean licking ass and tying yourself to the ceiling while you “trust” your temporary partner to drip hot candle wax on your scrotum.
Intimacy is seeing the other person’s soul … and getting past the human conditions that keep us in fear. ..and then ultimately transforming that to love.
Like… real love. The one that makes you feel safe. The one that reminds you that you are SOOOOO enough.
..and that doens’t happen if it’s not allowed to happen.
There is a shadow side so dark in most of us that the thought of having another human see that is so scary .. so, multiple partners makes sense.
It is totally logical when your thinking with the addicted ‘ism mind.
What you seem to write from your perspective, is like an untreated sexaholism.
Much like the alcoholic that doesn’t drink “that” much anymore and isn;t hurting anyone that he knows of, and can show up in the world and still be of service… but the ism .. the one that takes over the mind …. that’s still active.
…until it’s unveiled.
People often give themselves upper limits (i.e…. I only date for “this amount of time” and it falls apart… etc etc etc) and believe from past proof, that you’re just going to hurt people anyway IF you make the mistake of falling in love with them and/ or they, you.
And for the record .. THERE ARE NO UPPER LIMITS!!!
That’s all about the ism and it’s all in the head.
Annnnnnyway…
I’d give a little more of a look into this and try and understand why the need for sex outweighs the desire for true intimacy.
I bet whatever you have going on in there is beautiful …
… even the darkest shadow.
Here’s to shining your light.
xo
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