1. I was recently pursued by a man that I had no interest in, but he was so persistent I eventually gave in. As soon as I expressed interest in him, he stopped talking to me. What is this? Is it a game? Is it his problem?
This unfortunately is more common than you might think. Without knowing all the details it’s hard to answer but it could be a number of reasons. Sometimes, for some, the chase is more exciting than the connection. In some cases, a man might have a preconceived idea of what the woman is like. When they get together and find out she’s not what he imagined, he could lose interest. The more likely scenario is that the man has put all kinds of unrealistic expectations on the union and believes that when he finally gets the woman to agree to see him, she will be the one to fix everything and validate all of his needs. Sadly, the longer it takes for him to reach the connection, the stronger his belief in the potential perfection. When he realizes that he is still left with all of his character defects after getting together, he begins to withdraw. There is really no solution as there is no way of knowing what someones motives are. This goes both ways as I have seen this behavior in both men and women. They idealize what they don’t have and when they get it, the wake up only to realize that they are still the same person inside. As you said, to some, it can be a game. For others, it can be a much deeper fantasy in the head that can’t possibly be lived up to in reality.
2. How do you know that the person you’re seeing that you can really trust them as far as sex goes? I’ve had trust issues with previous boyfriends and well they weren’t really good boyfriends…
You can have a straight forward conversation about all your concerns prior to stepping into that arena. If the issue is trust, you may as well start the ball rolling with your communication before jumping into bed. If you can get a sense of trust from your conversations, the light may get a little greener. Here is the rub. The reality is that you don’t know. Period. This is simply one of the reasons why sex and love are so hard sometimes. There are no absolutes and there is no way of predicting the future. You have to go with your heart, your intellect and your gut all at the same time. The whole thing can be sticky and scary but sooner or later you may as well jump in, provided your instincts are in line. Very few people get it all correct the first time and remember that failure and imperfection can teach us what we don’t want as well as what we do want. In addition, we learn to grow, change and mature on our own, with or without a partner and learn tools that we can apply in everyday life. If a relationship doesn’t go the way you wanted it to, trust me… You are not the first and you are certainly not alone!
3. I have this problem that I become attracted to a guy and I end up being scared of introducing him to my friends bc some of them are cuter and have awesome personalities and I had boyfriends of mine end up crushing on my friends. How do I keep that from happening?
You really can’t keep anything from happening and trying to do so will prove to be a recipe for insanity. Frankly, you are going to need to do some personal work on yourself before you can attempt to make this right in a relationship. It sounds a little self help-ish and all, but you have to believe that you are “good enough and smart enough” etc. The version of self help that I prefer is this: FUCK EM if they want something else! However, you need to look at what the underlying insecurity is all about. I’m sure some is based on events but most is based on what’s going on in your head. You would hate it if someone tried to dim your own light and in that regard, you can’t dim the light of those around you. For more on this subject, refer to Sex & Love 1, answer #4.
4. I just ended a long relationship with my lady in which i contracted herpes. she never told me she had herpes until half way through our relationship and well…i was a bit bitter about it. Now that I’m a single dude, broaching the subject with potential future mates seems so dicey that I’m completely depressed about it.
Never been down this road but I know some who have. VALTREX dude! HA. I know there are medications that help avoid flair ups and my understanding is that flair ups don’t happen all the time. It’s really only an issue when you are in the midst of an outbreak. In reality this is the hand you have been dealt and the only solution is to make peace with it and have open discussions about it with your partner. Try the medication to prevent outbreaks but make no mistake. You MUST tell your partner about what’s going on. This is one of those, “it is what it is” situations. Getting depressed and stressed is only going to complicate things and could cause even more outbreaks. There are ways around this, they just require open and honest discussion and a partner willing to go through it with you. Many people have this and I am certain there are forums online that can be beneficial to you.
5. What are your thoughts on Social Newtorking sites taking the mystery out of getting to know someone and how to deal with what you see on someones page IE: Facebook stalking & finding someting anxiety provoking on someone’s page like another woman trying to claim territory! (I can’t even believe I am typing this) I know, I know, I shouldn’t be looking but everyone does and I can’t help it!
As you know, I am a pretty open guy and I am openly flirty online etc. Having said that, I rarely get into my personal dating world online at all! FB, Twitter and MS etc are great ways to meet people but I don’t use these avenues to continue personal relationships. Once I know someone, I pretty much stay away from their pages and hardly ever post on their pages. The fact is, we have no way of knowing what’s real and what isn’t. I have had women post stuff on my pages that appear to be revealing when in fact it isn’t. “Hey baby… Miss you!” Now. Is that from someone I saw last night? Or is it from someone I haven’t seen in years? There is no way to know. If you are sensitive to this stuff, stay away from it. If not, then by all means continue reading. All this online stuff is fun, but at the end of the day, these sites capture snapshots that don’t paint the full clear picture.
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Ok, here’s a question-what do you get someone for Christmas who has everything? Like everything from an adult store that you could imagine she owns already.
I am enjoying reading these. Great advice and provoking thoughts you’re sharing here. Going to bookmark this. Keep it up, okay?
Robin
Embolden, underscore and ditto everything I wrote in my comment on Sex and Love 3.
My job involves dealing with idiots and/or the heartache caused by idiots (or just, the plain unfortunate) – to come home and read something intelligent is such a relief.
Take care………………………………………………………………………………………..SB
I love this section..
Thanks for sharing..
G.
Dave, you never cease to amaze me. Impressive logic and so very grounded in your honesty with the advice. Good on you!
Grand Insight into breaking down relationships thus far Dave!
Hoora!
XXXX
Very perceptive. (are you a woman? jk) nice writing. -and fun. thanks.
You’re such an amazing person and also, totally brilliant at this DN!
xoxox.
I think what you have written so far is decent advice and is very entertaining. I wish more people would just be honest and communicate properly. The puzzle of relationships doesn’t need glue, you just need the pieces to fit properly. I blame nature hehehe
How do you deal with rejection? How long do you wait before you find the nerve to ask someone out again? Do you tell yourself you’re still a good person and you have worth even if others are too shallow or too blind to see it? How do you pick yourself up again?
Question 1 was enlightening. Thanks!
Alright lets say you had sex with someone and they turn out to have a SMALL penis but you really want to go at it again but IT being small and not having that FULL effect what do you recommend doing. Really wanting to have fun but stuck on what to do. We don’t see each other all the time so when it happens I want to feel good too. Also when a man is small how does it feel to them??????(when inside)
is it about the size of their wallet their penis or their heart?haha come on you have a huge one of all three no doubt dave…i do like a thick wallet i must say not that i meet many guys with one they expect to share and thick long hard penises are just too commonplace;)big hearted guys who just know how to spread the love and have generous spirits rarer than pink diamonds really…find me a guy with all three and i’d dedicate myself…i went a year and a half without sex in my thirties in that time j.lo got married 3 times p.diddy chris judd her choreographer and ben affleck i thought i am so far behind the eight ball here but surely it makes a mockery of commitment j.lo was on a biological search to co create and have a child i spose sittin back and forgetting your libido and intense desire for connection with the opposite sex is good for the soul easier after you’ve had a family probably than when you are a 25 year old virgin…i thought is dave navarro the forty year old virgin??? wouldn’t that be funny if you were…innocent and frightened of the sound a vibrator makes when it hits the strings of your electric i watched the three days dvd again it was a vibrator wasn’t it interesting innovative usage of tools i thought…you have no character defects dave except you swear abominably in the dark matter radio podcast ha wot the fuckity fuck you need a swear jar every time you use the word fuck and you are not doing it out a dime in the jar for lola’s college fund she may want to grow up to be a gynaecologist and cure herpes and todd can put in two dimes dollars woteva!let’s get a bit of decorum happening ha
Hey Dave,
You’ve mentioned several times on the air that you struggle with bipolar disorder. This past show you said something that really hit home for me, and that was what you said regarding planning things and how unpredictable moods can be. I’m the same way; I won’t make plans because if I am so down that I can’t get out of bed, it just makes me feel even more worthless if I break plans. On top of myself having bipolar disorder, I have a lot of anxiety, especially social anxiety. I’m seeking a therapist currently (dealing with insurance is a real bitch) but I’ve been on medications in the past that haven’t really worked for me, so my moods aren’t too controlled…the only med I have prescribed is xanax which is for the anxiety as needed (mostly in classroom situations). I tend to lean towards self-medication (alcohol, sex, marijuana, very seldom razorblades) which I know is an entire year’s subscription full of issues.
So my question is, how should a girl like me go about things in dating? I often feel like I’m too much, too soon, too fast, too intense and that freaks guys out. But it’s just my personality; I’m honest and I’ve got a grip on how utterly neurotic I can be. How do I go about saying “Hey, I’m a big bucket of crazy but I’m worth every goddamn bit of it” without scaring people? I almost feel like there should be a disclaimer before people get to know me! I feel like I’m a desirable woman in every other aspect of my life: I’m 21, well-educated (about to have a bachelor’s in human services and counseling, go fucking figure, right?), I have a job, a car, and I’m pretty. I’m pretty indestructible for the most part, as indestructible as a damaged little alt-girl can be. I get more offended when guys don’t ask me back out after 1-2 dates for no apparent reason because they really don’t know me than I do if a guy dates me, breaks it off for valid reasons. I’m a project, I know, and I’m not asking anyone to fix me. I’m not broken but I am quite jaded at this point. I’m beginning to think that random, emotionless sex is all there is. It’s not even so much that I want to fall in love and be whisked off into the sunset because I’d be a terrible housewife. I’d just like to have some kind of genuine connection with someone who appreciates me for me and realizes that while I am very left of center…I’m worth it. I don’t have a lot of requirements outside of just wanting to be respected.
Sorry I just wrote you a book. I’ve never been short-spoken! Any advice you can give would be wonderful. I’m loving the advice column and I love hearing everything on Dark Matter every week…one of the highlights of my week, that’s for sure.
I feel like this is a pretty accurate quote from Marilyn Monroe:
“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
Hey day 1st thanks so much 4 the sincerity on your answers..well here is my situation , a few months ago I was dating like nut! I mean I dated 4 men at the same time and yes I had sex with them, but I decided to stop doing it and I became the girlfriend of one of this guys right now I’m not pretty sure if I took the right decision choosing him.. because he is a little absorbing and he doesn’t like some things about me like drinkin’ and it’s not like I drink too much just a beer once in a while or at a party! but what I’m really worried about it’s my mom because she doesn’t aprove that I have a boyfriend..at all! we really discussed about it and she called me slat! I really got hurt about it since that day I been trying to change but my girlfriends just told me that I am not me anymore since I became girlfriend of this boy.. I just don’t know what to do!! please help me!
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